MEMO
TO: Christmas, Inc.
FROM: Sally Hogshead, branding consultant
Re: Updating the Christmas brand
Hello team, great to see you all at the North Pole HQ offices last week. Below, please find my recommendations for re-branding the 2010 holiday season.
Market share: Christianity holds a leadership position with two billion consumers, but we’re losing share to competitors such as Hinduism and startups like Wicca. To boost Christian population, encourage more holiday alcohol consumption. Attract the 18 – 35 demo with vodka-laced energy eggnog?
Spokesperson: Santa scores high on awareness, but we’re getting complaints parental groups that he’s a poor role model for obesity and pipe smoking. Consider partnering with Jenny Craig for a before/after campaign, and do some Phillip Morris work pro bono. Or, introduce a lil’ sidekick: Jolly Green Giant had Sprout, Scooby Doo had Scrappy Doo, and Dr. Evil had Mini-Me. (Note: The media department says we could broaden demographic appeal by casting Hispanic.)
Reindeer: The ASPCA could protest reindeer activity longer than 8 hours, unless legal dept can argue that overtime doesn’t count across multiple time zones.
Elf labor: Are you outsourcing the Christmas list database to workshops in India?
Revenue streams:
- Sell ad space on Santa’s sleigh to Expedia.com
- Approach Disney about a Bethlehem theme park
- Encourage mall Santas to build database of toy requests, and sell as trendcasting data to Target
Updating language:
- Lessen confusion by limiting usage of multiple Santa names (St. Nicolas, Old Saint Nick, Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, etc.)
- Cut jargon such as ‘Twas, ‘Tis, O’, and Yon
- Handwritten letters to Santa– can we do SMS text or Skype?
Merging holidays: December calendar is too cluttered. Co-brand a holiday with Winter Solstice, unless we have the budget to acquire New Year’s Eve.
Ad campaign: Stir up some buzz by taking on the competition directly with a Mac vs. PC approach… Christmas vs. Birthday.
Possible retail extensions:
- Extra-Strength Mistletoe, brought to you by Viagra
- “Silent Night,” made possible by Bose noise-cancelling headphones
- Babies ‘R Us rocking mangers
- Body Shop frankincense bath soaps
- Virgin Mary cocktails for all ages
Jingles: Update content with new topics. For instance: This Christmas at Mommy’s, Next Christmas at Daddy’s with His Younger Girlfriend We Call By Her First Name.
Looking forward to your feedback next month at the retreat in St. Thomas.
Sincerely,
Sally Hogshead
P.S. Congratulations on the recent FedEx merger!
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Not sure if I should laugh or cry. Praise you for being brilliant or damn you for being a cynic. I do know I wish I thought of it first.
Don’t know where you got your market numbers- but Christianity is going to be taking a back seat to the Muslims if our birth rates don’t increase.
Better start pushing making babies- or try to escape mono-theism.
Maybe it’s time to put the X first in Xmas instead-
and go for a much wider market-
Everyone Wang Chung tonight…
fun post Sally.
Dear Ms. Hogshead:
I am just now getting to this memo — we took a few days at our place in St. Barts for the annual Renaissance Weekend that follows the fourth-quarter production push and when Bill Maher sees an open mike his just won’t shut up.
There are some terrific ideas here but I think we’re going to continue with our present agency. We’ve had our ups and downs through the decades, but at the end of the day I think we have this puppy pretty well down pat.
That said I have a few notes:
Outsourcing elf work doesn’t fly, you should pardon the expression. In spite of binge drinking and that unfortunate incident with the Menonites in 1973 elves remain the cream o’ the crop when it comes to getting the job done.
In spite of its Judeo-Christian roots, the holiday is for everybody. It may not seem that way but I don’t care about anything but seeing a tree to leave gifts under. And I don’t care what Rush Limbaugh claims.
The reindeer do put in a very long night, but it’s less than 24 hours and they have 364 days off so if PETA wants to raise a stink they can smooch my roasting chestnuts.
That said we’d love to have you do a day-long workshop after the new book hits the shelves. Have your girl call mine.